Onion Headlines

From 2008 to 2010, I submitted headlines to the Onion for use in their video segments. All told, I submitted about 2000 headlines.

Here are two videos that are based on my headlines:

And here are some of my headlines that were used as “one-liner” jokes in Onion videos:

Second autopsy reveals victim was cut open, filled with chemicals

FDA deems human clones safe for consumption by other human clones

New study finds flightless birds just lazy

Wind farm to power giant fans to power second wind farm

Elk observed drilling for oil in Alaskan wilderness

One-armed basketball player proves to the world that two arms are useful for playing basketball

Murder victim tragically killed before achieving dream of fighting off a murderer

Gubernatorial candidate still chuckles when he hears the word “gubernatorial”

Fed confident the dollar will stay significantly stronger than the nickel

New online poll finds you could win an Xbox 360

Police hoping to stay one step behind serial killer long enough to merit made-for-TV movie

Supposedly blind bluesman’s songs suspiciously full of descriptions of how things look

Marlboro sponsors 0.3K charity walk

Door factory closes its innumerable doors

Shark attack victim “loved bleeding in water,” family says

New dinosaur book a little heavy on the Brachytrachelopan

Skywriter crashes attempting cursive ‘Q’

Real-life transformer electrocutes child

Yamaha donates 2,000 WaveRunners to bored flood victims

Price of barrel hits $52 a barrel